Passwords of the Year
by Ember Nickel
Summary: Kinkmeme prompt: "Javert is a Troll and Valjean is Very Bad at Computers."


Prompt:

"Modern AU-

Javert knows his boss Madeleine is Jean Valjean, but he can't prove it, so he just keeps leaving obnoxious messages everywhere. He changes his desktop to a white screen with 'THINK ON YOUR SINS' written in all capital letters; he makes all his passwords '24601'; he hacks his email and changes the signature to 'I know who you really are.'

Valjean, of course, being both happily oblivious and terrible with computers, thinks he's got a virus and calls in Javert to help him fix it. Javert tries very hard not to yell at him."

* * *

"But I can't remember my password!"

"Are you sure? There's no...string of numbers that's particularly important to you?"

"No. Well. I mean, it's supposed to be my daughter's name, but that doesn't work."

"Have you turned Caps Lock off? And don't talk so loud, people might hear."

"Sorry. What's Caps Lock?"

"It's what we use when we want to use ALL CAPITAL LETTERS."

"Capital letters? Is this, like, something about capitalism?"

"What on Earth? No."

"Because, I think we could use some more progress towards social equality-"

"Look. I don't trust you very far, so I'm going to assume you used a common password."

"Of course I don't know how to use this thing! Just yesterday it was my folders being renamed to "Prison Records," last week all my "favorites" were replaced with links to some kind of jail or whatever, and before that there was this yapping yellow dog roving around the bottom of the screen and asking for bread crumbs!"

"I can't imagine who would do such a thing."

"I tried to shove some through the holes-"

"Those are for your speakers, no wonder you broke the machine. Okay. I have here the list of the most common passwords, we're going to go down the list and you'll type them in..."

"Number twenty-two, michael."

"The punishing angel who keeps guard over my files and fights off viruses?"

"No. This is clearly not a virus."

"Okay. Because seriously, I would go for a more merciful personage...is Gabriel on the list?"

"No, but you'll like this, twenty-one, jesus."

"To whom I pray for my own salvation! And for someone to save the files that someone keeps editing and replacing with strange police reports."

"You need to back up copies to your own hard drive."

"My drive is not hard."

"Yes it is."

"I mean, I'm driven to succeed in the working world in spite of these hackers, but..."

"Number eighteen, shadow."

"Ah, yes, the supreme darkness that obscures my vision and my access to this data! But that's not what I named my password."

"Are you sure it's not a shorter string? Something numeric?"

"I already told you, it's not."

"Great. Number seventeen, welcome."

"Oh, I would certainly have chosen a password of "welcome"! In honor of the welcoming bishop who helped me mend my ways...after..."

"After what?"

"Uh...nothing important."

"Do tell."

"Wait a minute, it didn't work. Let me try Bienvenu...nope, still got nothing..."

"Number fifteen, master."

"Of what? The desktop? The server-not the server, that's a servant or something. The house?"

"There's a type of hard drive setup called the master/slave model."

"Would I have set that up?"

"Do you know how to log in to your stupid machine?"

"Not until I've looked inside my mouse to find that someone's replaced my trackball with a tiny little shackle."

"Number fourteen, sunshine."

"Aha, the light that brightens the shadow of the previous lists! Truly, it is a sign of progress, that more people prefer the brightness of dawn to the horrors of night..."

"Number 12, trustno1. That's a numeral one."

"Do you trust anyone, Mr. Javert?"

"Not you."

"I regret that."

"Shut up, Valjean."

"Come again?"

"One of these days, you're going to answer to that, and I'll know it's you."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Yes you do."

"I don't even know how to work this stupid machine!"

"iloveyou."

"Oh, well, that's much better to hear! And I, too, extend towards you a spirit of brotherly love and universal solidarity!"

"No! Nonononono! I mean, the _password_ is iloveyou! No capitals, no spaces."

"Alas, this does not work, for my love does not extend to this accursed machine..."

"Number four, abc123."

"Abc, huh?"

"Yes, as in, the abased. It's a pun of sorts."

"Oh. That's too bad. I feel guilty about having access to this wonderful and useful technology while so many people starve-"

"Please don't."

"Of course I would never spend my own money on having one of these computers of my own, I prefer to give it to charitable causes."

"Good for you."

"Still, I think I ought to do more, perhaps redirecting our company's focus towards more philanthropy..."

"Number one, password."

"_Pas_ sword? There's no sword? Well, I'm glad it's been beaten into a plowshare or something."

"No, password, as in, the world is full of idiots like you who just set their password to be password!"

"It doesn't work."

"Hmm. Well, I've been inspecting the system manual, let me try one more thing."

"Gladly."

"Here we are...there you go, it should all be set up."

"You were able to figure it out? Thank you so much!"

"No problem. The password's been set to 24601 by the way, does that mean something to you?"

"No. I. Uh. No."

"All right. Well, you should be good."

"Of course. And if I ever have virus trouble again, I'll know to come to you first!"


End file.
